In the Trenches...(chapter 2)

Life in the trenches is far from easy.  Seldom is there a day in our household without some sort of drama.  We have adjusted fairly well to the constant defiance, and tension.  As our children get older, we have witnessed many changes.  The tantrums and outbursts happen less frequently, as do the meltdowns.  For this I am so very thankful.  What used to be a daily (sometimes hourly) battle, has now become a monthly or bi-monthly battle, with smaller tantrums and fits in between. 

Recently (over the past several months), we have been experiencing a more intense battle.  The fits of attitude and defiance have grown unbearable, and turn into fits of rage and sometimes violence.  Our son can not control his anger, and often justifies his defiant behavior by blaming others.  I have found myself standing between a raging teenager and an angry husband/father way too many times.  It is amazing the emotions that roar when pushed to the extremes.  The relentless tension and emotional exhaustion drags a person to the very depths of hell, where you truly are on you knees begging for mercy.

The strain that raising RAD kids puts on families is unlike any other stress.  It destroys marriages, and leaves a path of destruction in each life that has been touched by it.  We desperately cling to our faith.  We believe that GOD has a plan for our lives and for our children.  We constantly remind ourselves that THIS was not our plan, it was GOD's.  

There needs to be more help available to families that deal with RAD kids.  We have been struggling with people not understanding what we deal with for almost 5 years now.  There have been many times where one of us (my husband or I) will throw our hands up in the air in defeat, and want to just give up, and be done.  It is a horrible, gut wrenching, heart shattering feeling to know that you could ever feel like giving up on someone that you love.  But to just want so desperately for the hurt to stop, for the anger to go away, for the storms to calm.  The battles that we endure bring up that fight or flight reaction, it rocks you to the very core.  When you are just simply exhausted, the only reaction left is purely primal and raw.

I have talked with many families with RAD kids that deal with very similar things.  They too feel alone in their struggles, and ashamed of what they deal with.  Unless you have experienced this, it is so hard to understand.  Families like ours need the love and support of many....not the ridicule and judgment.

I have found myself in a very heart breaking situation.  My husband and I are struggling to stay focused on GOD's plan.  The attacks  that we have endured recently have been so fierce that we can't hardly catch our breath before we are under attack again.  I am sharing this with you because I need something good to come out of this.  I need GOD to be glorified in this somehow.  Whatever storm we are in, I will seek HIM, and give HIM praise.  My husband left this morning for work angry and hurt.  There was yet another big blowout, and he just can't catch his breath.  He desperately needs to be filled up.  He left because he couldn't bear to be in the same house as our son.  I know we are not alone in our struggles.  There are hundreds of families that have faced this same situation.

One could imagine what this must do to the other children in the house also.  What a burden to carry.  It is hard to be a mom when you are trying to defuse a tense situation, and nurture and comfort your other children at the same time.  We love all of our children so much, and most times are able to take things in stride.  But as time goes on, and the battles intensify, we need to find more strength, we need to rely on others to fill us up.  That is a really hard thing to do, since most of the people we know have no clue what we deal with. For example we have sat in the same church for over a year now, and I don't believe that any of them understand or have any clue what we deal with. It is hard to open this part of our lives up to people.  It makes us feel very vulnerable, and because our reality is so extreme, we fear people just won't believe it.

As I sit here typing, I can almost guarantee that our son is at school going about his day as if nothing happened at all.  As my husband and I in our perspective places, sit in agony, our son is putting on his charm, and convincing the people around him that he is a delight. It is so frustrating. The other day I had a mom from school come up to me and tell me that her child had asked her what I was like, because she thought I might be mean.  I was so crushed.  I know that there have definitely been days when I don't wear a smile, and that other kids know when my child/children are grounded or have been in trouble.  But for someone to think I am a  mean person, just simply crushed me.  People don't see what we deal with, they don't see the torment that goes on at times, just as they can't see my pain from fibromyalgia, or our sleepless nights...they only pass judgement on a brief moment, a small glimpse of our life.  I wish that they could see the giggles, and the family game nights, and the sweet moments when my husband and I are slow dancing in our kitchen, and when the girls run in to join us, or the crazy times when I just can't seem to get a tune out of my head, and we all burst into song, everyone joining in.  But unfortunately, all too often, we are so exhausted emotionally, all anyone gets to see is that moment when we are holding our breath waiting to see if our child got in trouble at school that day, or if the attitude is going to continue, or maybe just maybe there was a change of heart.

Life is hard. Love is hard.  Here we are the day after Valentine's Day, and I am at war with love.  I am fighting, desperately clinging to it, waiting for it to prevail.  Love is a choice...did you know that?  It isn't something that someone can do for you to feel it...because things fade, gifts go away, flowers die, but if you make a choice, that can last and stand the tests of time.  I choose to love, I choose to hang on during the bad times. I don't know what this day will bring, or how things are going to unfold.  I know that I am going to continue to lift my husband in prayer, pray for my children, and work at following GOD's plan for our lives.