Imagine your beautiful, treasured family. Imagine that there was someone or something threatening the well being of that said family. How do you feel when you feel there is a threat against your family or a particular family member..maybe its a bully at school, maybe its a insurance company not meeting the needs of your child, maybe its a mean boss. Doesn't it just break your heart, or make your blood boil? As a mother, there is not much more that can bring out that "mother bear" in me more than someone threatening the well being of my family or one of its members. Now, imagine that person is IN your family, someone you love so very dearly, yet the very thought of them and their disregard for the rest of the family and its members, makes you feel hurt, angry and isolated. This is what many parents with RAD(ishes) go through every day.
Ah, you may be wondering what exactly is a RAD(ish). That is a name I stumbled upon on a website support group for adoptive mothers of RAD kids, they called their children with Reactive Attachment Disorder, RADishes. I thought it was cute, and very appropriate! Think of it, a radish looks inviting, with its beautiful colors, but take part in it, and WOW, you may be surprised by the fire that is burning inside it, that is now your mouth! LOL Who knew such a little thing could be the cause of such discomfort? Children with RAD have difficulties with relationships. The very idea of attachment is to bond, or be close with someone or something. RAD children didn't get the necessary nurturing they needed as a baby, and thus have learned to only rely on themselves. But more, during those early months/years of development, when not nurtured in appropriate ways, and often severely neglected or abused, they essentially learn that they can not rely on others to meet their needs. This creates many issues. These children have major trust issues, control issues, they tend to be very charming on the surface, they have very little self control, they lie, steal, they can be destructive to things, people, themselves, or animals, they have a hard time giving and receiving genuine affection, they lack that "cause and effect" way of thinking that helps us determine right from wrong and among many other things, they have the ability to steal your heart, and turn your life upside down.
When we adopted three of our children (a son 8, and two daughters 5 &6), we were assured by the caseworker that they did not have any attachment disorders, that in fact, they were attaching very well with their foster parents. Certainly we expected an adjustment period, and some minor struggles. After all, for one of our children, our home was his 8th (and that is not counting all the times he was passed around to family members before and after entering the system, he was 8yrs old when we adopted him). It was heart wrenching to read their case histories, and learn of what they had endured in their young lives. And as they have grown, we have learned of things that weren't even documented. Its no wonder these children have a hard time genuinely bonding.
The first time we went to visit the children, and take them for the weekend, we were so excited! After buckling all of the children (including our two biological sons) into their seats, we headed off to get some dinner. Within minutes a bold voice was coming from the far back seat in the suburban, saying, "You don't know where you are going! This is the wrong way! You don't even know how to drive!". Steve and I just looked at each other and smiled an apprehensive smile, and calmly assured our little back-seat-driver that we did indeed know, and all would be ok. Little did we know that this was just the beginning of a long emotional road of oppositional, defiant and challenging times.
I have found myself on several occasions asking, "how can we be told that these children don't have attachment issues, when CLEARLY they do?". My answers came from a collection of doctors that the children hadn't been with any one family long enough for them to make that determination. These children can be so charming, and on a very superficial level. But without really taking the time to look beneath the cutesies, and often camouflaged behavior, one would not really know what these children are really dealing with. I myself, was in denial. I truly believed that my unconditional outpouring of love could heal everything that they had/were going through, that we were rescuing them. When they would fall down, they would cry for "mommy", and it would melt my heart. Now, looking back, I realize it wasn't so much that they wanted ME, just anyone, who would pay them a bit of attention as they sought a way to comfort themselves.
We have learned a LOT over the last 4+ years. Right from the beginning there was a lot of family tension with our extended family. It took a great deal of time to work through that, some of which we still deal with. Much of our family doesn't understand what we deal with, they simplify, minimize and dismiss what we go through. They often chalk it up to the kids "just being kids". Or that we are being irrational about things. This has made us feel very isolated, and our outlook on things at times very bleak. We have learned it is easier to avoid certain family functions than to have to explain and justify ourselves or our childrens' behavior. It is better to keep to ourselves than to open ourselves up to a battery of criticism, and mocking advice on how to parent children with special needs from people who know nothing about raising children with these needs and issues. We have learned not to be calloused, but to be cautious. But at the same time we feel the need to share and educate others.
Our journey is unique to us, just as yours is to you. I have learned to not make assumptions about a parents capabilities or standards by their childrens' actions or behaviors. And I have learned to not assume that a child's behaviors or attitudes are a reflection of his surroundings or parenting. Recently I watched a TV special about "what would you do" in certain situations, and one situation was a mother in a store with her children and she was doting over one child while ignoring her other child completely. She also made several statements to the child she was ignoring, like, "no, I am not going to pay attention to you, you get enough attention", or "this isn't about you, its about (fill in the blank)". The people on the show who were witnessing this were appalled, and disgusted...but when I watched it, I immediately thought of my situation, and really didn't think it was all that bad. You see, I have a child who demands control over every situation, who attempts to steal every ray of attention, and is a constant draw on our "emotional piggy banks" and you have no clue what that does to the parents, or the other children in the home who rarely get uninterrupted attention. So I ask that people not make assumptions based solely on what you see or hear, because often there is much more to the picture than meets the eye.
Well, this was my attempt at introducing you to our life with RAD(ishes). We often feel like we are in the trenches, fighting for each one of our children, and our marriage, syphoning out the poison, replacing it with unconditional love, going nose to nose with something that is always changing the rules, and all the while, clinging onto our Christian faith. There is so much more on the horizon. It is my goal to educate and share our experiences so that other people will have a better understanding of life with RAD kids, the good, the bad and the ugly!
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